Thursday, May 25, 2006

Who woke up and took a bitter pill?

For those of you who don't know much about my past my brother died when I was 14. That's over half a lifetime ago and although I think of him often it's usually always with a smile at some scheme we were plotting or one of the many adventures we had.

At 14 and facing the reality that your best friend, big brother, mentor was terminally ill and there wasn't a damn thing you could do was devastating. There were many things I tried to make him 'all better'. One of them was based on the fact that he used to challenge me to things as a child so with that 14 yr old brain I would say to him 'If you promise to get better then I challenge you to another dirt bike/horse race' or 'When you get better we'll go fishing and let's see who gets the bigger fish'.

Growing up I can't tell you how often my sister and I heard from Mom "I wish I had all boys, they're so much easier to raise. Your brother *this*, your brother *that*" It was very hard feeling like you never measured up and to this day I know that why I catch myself looking for acceptance from others.

I really wanted to take Sax or piano lessons but that was quickly nixed by Mom again by saying "The only instrument you'll play is the guitar or trumpet, that's what your brother did and the instruments that are here." "Mom, I have no desire to play the trumpet or the guitar, it's not what I AM interested in." It was said in no uncertain terms that it was the trumpet, guitar or nothing....I choose nothing.

anyway, back to the beginning of the post...Laurence's birthday was May 21 and it's not a day to be sad but to relish that wonderful relationship. I avoided my Mom that day because she would be all down and depressed, crying, etc. I don't have a child so have never lost one so there's nothing to relate to. That's how she chooses to deal with it. She asked what I did that day and told her that it was an ordinary day for me and yes I did think of Laurence but didn't get all wah wah over him. Then the part came about "I wonder what he would have been like today" My response was "Well Mom, he's exactly what he was meant to, he wasn't meant to grow up and grow old." *rude of me probably but very real*

June 1st will be the 22 year anniversary of his death and I will not be answering my phone and playing into my Mom's stuff, don't have the time for it and in all honesty am very bitter about the fact that we were denied certain wants and needs because of her wanting us to basically be our brother. In no way do I ever hold him responsible for how we were shunned as children, he loved his baby sisters and so many times you could read in his face how sorry he was that she would try to force his likes on us.

As this is being typed I am still so angry at Mom for so much stuff that happened as a child. I also see lots of I, Me, etc too but this is after all my feelings. I'm angry, hurt and so many times have wanted to just scream at her for all the bullshit and emotional games she played whether she knew it or not. So after reading this a realization has come up that perhaps I would feel more about my brothers passing if I knew it wouldn't give Mom such satisfaction.

ps: I really do love my Mom and try to understand her.


Tall tales said...

Hey Penny

Read my post..

Jenny said...

Thanks for your honesty Penny. I admire your strength and candor. It seems in every family relationship there are issues. I know my family have a few that we still haven't dealt with. Hugs my darling.
When are you 2 girlfriends coming in to Terrace?? If it's nice on the weekend and if Shari's off we should meet at the lake.

Sharijoy said...

Pen.... hugs ans kisses
I think you have the perfect way of dealing that is right for you!! I'm the same way I don't dwell.... it serves no purpose except maybe to re-hurt yourself over and over again. and is that what your loved one would of wanted for you??? As for your mom I KNOW how you feel!! and being frank with her isn't wrong.... she needs to stop hurting herself and you and your sister.... maybe you need to point out how it is tha tyou feel. EVEN IF SHE SAYS YOUR BEING A BABY OR THAT YOU'RE JEALOUS OF YOUR as My Mom pointed out to me!!! talk to you soon!!

the therapeutic writer said...

Hey Penny... you're very honest with yourself which is refreshing and admirable. It's hard to accept that our parents don't always make the choices that are best for us, but rather, best for themselves. Parenting is *supposed* to be selfless, but the reality is that it never is.

Take your mom out of the equation and grieve for your own loss. You owe it to yourself. Grieve for not having your brother beside you today; for not having the parenting that you needed and celebrate the woman you became because of it all - insightful, compassionate, funny, intelligent and beautiful. It's not about your mom's satisfaction, it's about you.

Much love and big boob-squishin' hugs to you.

Tanya said...

Hey Penny,
Thanks for sharing your heart. This post touched me. I myself have never lost a sibling, but my husband Jason has. His parents also think about what his brother would be like had he survived (cancer). But he didn't, and life goes on. Its great to acknowledge and celebrate their lives, but I know that they wouldn't want us to suffer for them not being around anymore. You need to cherish the good times, and let go of the bad. Take care...thinking of you.

Pen said...

Thanks guys for taking the time to read and post a comment. It's not easy sometimes just throwing this stuff out there but I find it to be very cathartic.

I must get past the anger I feel towards my Mom. Talking to her doesn't help as she just denies saying or doing any of it. I do love her regardless and try to understand why.

Thank you and sending big booby squishing hugs out to all of you!

*Trudi, that was just way too funny