Who woke up and took a bitter pill?

For those of you who don't know much about my past my brother died when I was 14. That's over half a lifetime ago and although I think of him often it's usually always with a smile at some scheme we were plotting or one of the many adventures we had.

At 14 and facing the reality that your best friend, big brother, mentor was terminally ill and there wasn't a damn thing you could do was devastating. There were many things I tried to make him 'all better'. One of them was based on the fact that he used to challenge me to things as a child so with that 14 yr old brain I would say to him 'If you promise to get better then I challenge you to another dirt bike/horse race' or 'When you get better we'll go fishing and let's see who gets the bigger fish'.

Growing up I can't tell you how often my sister and I heard from Mom "I wish I had all boys, they're so much easier to raise. Your brother *this*, your brother *that*" It was very hard feeling like you never measured up and to this day I know that why I catch myself looking for acceptance from others.

I really wanted to take Sax or piano lessons but that was quickly nixed by Mom again by saying "The only instrument you'll play is the guitar or trumpet, that's what your brother did and the instruments that are here." "Mom, I have no desire to play the trumpet or the guitar, it's not what I AM interested in." It was said in no uncertain terms that it was the trumpet, guitar or nothing....I choose nothing.

anyway, back to the beginning of the post...Laurence's birthday was May 21 and it's not a day to be sad but to relish that wonderful relationship. I avoided my Mom that day because she would be all down and depressed, crying, etc. I don't have a child so have never lost one so there's nothing to relate to. That's how she chooses to deal with it. She asked what I did that day and told her that it was an ordinary day for me and yes I did think of Laurence but didn't get all wah wah over him. Then the part came about "I wonder what he would have been like today" My response was "Well Mom, he's exactly what he was meant to, he wasn't meant to grow up and grow old." *rude of me probably but very real*

June 1st will be the 22 year anniversary of his death and I will not be answering my phone and playing into my Mom's stuff, don't have the time for it and in all honesty am very bitter about the fact that we were denied certain wants and needs because of her wanting us to basically be our brother. In no way do I ever hold him responsible for how we were shunned as children, he loved his baby sisters and so many times you could read in his face how sorry he was that she would try to force his likes on us.

As this is being typed I am still so angry at Mom for so much stuff that happened as a child. I also see lots of I, Me, etc too but this is after all my feelings. I'm angry, hurt and so many times have wanted to just scream at her for all the bullshit and emotional games she played whether she knew it or not. So after reading this a realization has come up that perhaps I would feel more about my brothers passing if I knew it wouldn't give Mom such satisfaction.

ps: I really do love my Mom and try to understand her.