Saturday, May 31, 2008

A real holiday...did I just say that?

Holy crap, if I'd known 10 years ago that what I said tonight would have worked I'd have said it!!!!

I asked Hal where he would like to go on vacation: Mexico, Hawaii, Dominican, Europe, etc? He says "Well I don't know, would you be comfortable on the beach?"

Now before you all get hot and bothered I already jumped down his throat and ended the tirade with "WELL LOTS OF FAT PEOPLE GO TO THE BEACH!!"

Hal comments back: "Who said it's about you being fat I'm talking about the heat! Now that you've brought it up though I don't want to go to a resort and have you be self conscious either and listen to you grumble about your weight!"


He is right but I've come to realize in the last little bit that one can't put life on hold until they:

(a) Can afford it - something else will always come along so be like Nike and JUST DO IT!
(b) Are thin enough - sounds vain but yes i've put off booking a holiday because I never wanted to be fat on a beach. Chances of me getting that thin are realistically very slim and I'm not postponing life because I'm fat.
(c) Have the time - same as the money issue, if you don't make time it's not going to appear for you

Our conversation ended with me saying "I'm going away next year with or with out you. This is not debatable!"

Hal says "Of course I'm going with you!"

Sheesh, should have said that I was going with or without him long ago, lord knows how much of the world we would have seen.....may have to be more like that with other things too,lol.

Off to get caught up in blogland.
xo Pen

Friday, May 16, 2008

Little bits of Penz insanity..

Hi all, (or maybe just me...not much traffic here lately, lol)
Haven't been online much as we have no internet at home for the time being but it's okay. We have more stuff to do around there then we can shake a stick at.

Fence, deck and yardwork..need anymore be said?!?! Couple of things on the go inside as well. I'm working on different areas organizing and tidying up stuff that's been driving me crazy. Tonights task is under the Kitchen sink....lots to get rid of there and to organize.

Mom and Doug are coming at the end of the month so we're pretty excited to have them come for another visit. Doug is waiting anxiously to go fishing so hopefully the river is in good condition by then.

I'm not sure how many of you believe in spirits being around or maybe it's just wishful thinking and dreaming but a few cool things have happened to me in the last couple of weeks.

Had a dream one night and in it Dad says "Ahh, Quade likes Papa's cookies too!" and he was beaming that big smile he had. My Dad was a big softie when it came to animals and when he was alive he would always have our pets sit beside him and talk to them in this soft voice and give them commands to do. This was followed by a few of Papa's cookies....Ritz crackers, lol. I took this as a message that Quade and Dad have now met and he's been feeding him some of Papa's cookies.

Saturday, May 10 I participated in the Relay for Life and walked for just over two hours. What an amazing event, next year I hope to spend more time during the day there but this year had some important stuff to do in Terrace.

Part way through my walk I had a sense of people being in my space but for some reason found that it didn't irritate the crap out of me as it normally would have. It was a feeling of someone behind me and beside me. I realized that there were no footsteps as there should have been. It was then that a feeling of warmth, love and connectedness hit. I do believe that it was our family there that night walking along side. I'm sure to some it sounds like Pen needs to be commited and have a straight jacket put on but really, truly that's what it was.

Sunday night I dreamt of Quade again but this time it didn't leave me unsettled but gave me peace. In this dream Quade came bounding over the greenest hill and came running by us and rubbed his hips against our legs and smiled that goofy puppy smile that he had. He was happy, content and he ran like the wind, no funny gait or bunny hopping. He started to run back to the hill, stopped, turned, smiled and gave a toss of his head. He then continued back up to the top of this hill. Once at the top he sat, looked at us, looked back over his shoulder as though someone was speaking to him, looked back at us and then turned and went over the crest of the hill. My boy is home, he is happy and he is loved.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

A Woman's Dictionary for Men

9 WORDS WOMEN USE (and the true meaning)

1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument, when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Do Not Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - then it is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU!

(9)Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Pictures of Quade

It's my blog and i'll type what I want to

It's been a tumultuous couple of weeks and i've put off blogging partly because I didn't know what to say or what people expect me to say.

I didn't want to blog anymore about Quade because i'm thinking people are sick of hearing about him and there are others who aren't comfortable with the discussion of death. Well I have to talk about him, the emptiness and ache that still rip through me/us. Sure I tell people that we're okay, and mostly we are but there are moments when the grief totally blindsides you and you start to cry for no reason. I can't even comprehend what parents go through when they lose a child.

Yes he was a dog but he was our dog, our baby. For all the times I called him Satan or Devil dog, I wish that those moments could be back again, for all the muddy paw prints, the goobers and drools, the puppy accidents that he had when being housebroken, training Hal what to watch for with Quade when he had to do his business, the sleepless nights and the laundry monster...oh how I miss my laundry monster. I know we can't have him back and that we did make the right decision for him.

I don't expect anyone to respond or to even know how. We are okay, we are going through the steps of grief. There are times I'm incredibly angry and wonder 'Why? Why were we chosen for Quade and he for us?' Then the moments of sadness and missing him so much that my throat catches as I fight to hold back the want and need to scream at the top of my lungs about how unfair this was. HE WAS STILL A BABY, HE WAS ONLY 8.5 MONTHS OLD and he/we were robbed of so much.

Our boy was so full of love, this incredible, amazing love for everyone. He thought he was a lap dog and would bowl you over and be surprised to see you laying on the ground, but then he'd try to sit on your knee and give you all kinds of lovin' and look at you with those big, soft brown eyes with a look that melted any sort of 'bad Quade' you were thinking about giving him. When we knew the kids were coming over we had to crate him because he would shake with excitement and seriously could move his crate across the room to get to them. He would settle down after about 10 minutes and then you could let him out and he would lick their hands, faces, toes and sniff them like crazy. He would bring the kids his toys to play with and for Kali to throw for him. They would play catch for as long as Kali would throw the ball.

We have lots of great memories and pictures and this is what we are focusing on to get us through. We will have another pup sometime in the future but for now we need to work through the loss of our Quade.

I want to say "Thank you" to all of you who have been there with us through this whole process, for your understanding, compassion, cards, thoughts and prayers. Each one of them holds a special place in our hearts. Shari and Shell, thank you so much for getting those amazing pictures that we will always treasure. There are no regrets, only a true happiness and appreciation to have such beautiful memories of him and us together. You captured so well what we shared.

Shell, Thank you for coming and being here with Hal and I through what was an incredibly painful time. You got to see first hand what our boy was all about and to be there the day we held him and told him we loved him for the very last time.

Thank You to Caryn, Tracey and everyone at Parkside Vet (including Dr. Elorza who passed shortly before Quade was put to sleep) for going above and beyond our every expectation during Quades short life.