Thursday, May 4, 2006

Getting real...

k, I proclaim to be a realist and for the most part I am. However, it's quite apparent that i've not been real enough with the physical condition of my body and what i'm doing to it. Why do I sabotage myself? I truly do want to be healthier, weigh less and be more physically fit yet (as Shari and I talked about) when your finally in the groove with working out and eating better it's like all of the sudden foods that you don't normally even eat are screaming from the far reaches of the pantry or the corner store....why is it that one caves?

Am I scared of what would be the new me? Would people have greater expectations of more weight loss? Would I be able to maintain the new look? This is what I know..what and who I am now. Would this change me as a person? I've been on the skinny end of the spectrum and didn't have a clue what it was like to be heavy and never thought that i'd be this heavy.

I want to have a child so badly, yet I question what kind of Mommy would I be..perhaps what others say to me is right 'Well there's a reason you haven't conceived, it's meant to be." Add to that I'm terrified of actually getting pregnant and becoming a freaking elephant so am I also sabotaging my own dreams of becoming a Mommy...YEP, I think so.

So this nut job has said enough to make her certifiable...if you see me, please don't shun me I truly am sane, lol. If you've been there done that please post and share your thots on how to get past this silliness.

xo Pen

3 comments:

Jenny said...

I always wonder why I sabotage my weight loss efforts. Last year I did some soul searching and realized what the reason was. I'll explain it sometime to you in person (all about self worth yada yada). Lately I've had my days where I might have a slight sabotage (can't resist McDonald's french fries) but I don't throw it all out the window. I struggle with this daily!!!!

the therapeutic writer said...

You are totally sane and very normal and being very honest with yuourself.

There's no one magic answer but if you take some quiet time, you'll find your answers.

Lots of good thoughts for you.

Sharijoy said...

You girl will be a wonderful mom........... cuz as an auntie you are SUPER and the love and giving you'd have for your own child will put your love for Kali to shame!!! I could and have learned wonderful tips from you..... yeah we gotta get off the fat wagon!!! I hate that we are killing ourselves.