Blogger vs. Facebook, growing old, my Mom and fear

So i've been kind of negligent lately on Blogger. Not because I haven't wanted to be but Facebook is a novelty and has been a wonderful tool for finding family and friends I haven't been in touch with forever. It's good for sending a quick message, posting a note, poking someone and letting a whole network see in one click what's going on instead of them checking out your page all the time.

However, I do miss blogger because it's a great place to just put down thoughts, feelings, recipes, meal plans, vents, pictures and just connect with friends and family I have here too. There is no comparison between the two, they're both great online communication tools with totally different features.

The last month has been one of much turmoil and decision making. From a previous post you know i've gotten a full time job and i'm excited for a new beginning. This is going on in other parts of my life too. Hal and I are no longer trying for a family (actually haven't been for a bit) but now i've started back on the birth control pill as a measure of prevention and the hormone balancing act it will do with PCOS symptoms that are way out of control. In regards to PCOS and Insulin resistance that i've got going on he's now put me on Avanda-Met. Initially he put me on Metformin 7 years ago. It worked amazing at first BUT I was also more active, food aware, etc. and I lost 35 lbs. Now with PCOS you never know when things are going to go out of whack. Somewhere in there we tried to conceive and managed to twice but lost both in miscarriage. With those, the loss of family members, stress, etc. I gained back most of that weight and had no motivation to get active, poor eating and voila....Met quit working and I quit Met.

Last fall I asked our dr. about Avandia and he said to try it, well by December i'd put on 8 lbs...NOT GOOD!! I went off everything and had this whole idea that drugs were not required, only kidding myself of course. Periods have been irregular, a bit of depression and irritability, obvious excess of unwanted hormones, etc. This week I went back to see him, told him that i'd quit Avandia and natural stuff and was sick and tired of PCOS, couldn't he just take out my woman parts, dip the whole body in wax and riiiippppppp it off and while were at it lets do a whole lotta lipo with one condition....part of what came off the front had to go on the back to give me an ass!! Thank god he understands my humour and we had a good laugh over that. He said that women parts were not coming out as it's better to have them in there doing a bit of something then to depend wholly on hormone therapy, that it has to be frustrating to have a disease that you need to lose weight on to make the symptoms ease BUT it's really difficult to lose that weight because of Insulin resistance and the whole hormonal fluctuations. He also said that I am retaining way too much water! Hello?!?! Please tell me there's at least 80lbs of excess water in this hot bod!! LOL On a good note with all this other stuff going on my blood pressure is excellent, heart still ticking, cholesterol and all that other stuff is good.

Enough about health...MY MOM IS COMING THIS WEEKEND!! It's so exciting to know she's coming to visit and even it's a few days that's such a blessing. We're planning on a trip to Prince Rupert as she and Doug would really like to visit while they're here. They will head to Prince George on Tuesday or Wednesday morning for Doug's granddaughters graduation and then back home to Vernon by Sunday.

We've come quite aways and it's nice to hear that she's tuned in most times when we talk on the phone now. May 21st is a hard day for her as it's my deceased brothers birthday but she said that she's focusing more on how thankful she is to have had him for 16 years because she really should have only had him for 2 but God blessed her with 14 extra years. She misses him and says part of her heart will always feel empty because he's gone but she's got the rest of us too and that keeps her going.

I can't even begin to imagine as a Mother how hard it must have been to watch your child die before your eyes and not have any control over it. It shows me that she truly is a strong women, she carried on after he died and did the best she could to keep it together. Thinking about it some days must have been very difficult to even get out of bed but she did. She kept living, loving and was able to laugh again without feeling guilt. I try not to think of the day that we lose Mom and the emptiness that will fill that part of our hearts. It was hard losing Dad but we had Mom still and even though we're adults there are times I still feel like her little kid, she's going to keep us safe, she's going to reprimand me for rocking on the legs of the kitchen chair or burping rudely, etc. I'm a grown woman but there are times I want nothing more then to feel safe in the arms of my Mom, cuddling with her on the couch like we did as kids, or waking from a night terror and there was Mom arms ready to scoop me into a hug and tell me it was alright, the monster wasn't going to get me, that it was okay she was there to protect me. There will come a day that I will cradle Mom in my arms, scare the monsters away and tell her it's alright. That day I will be strong, it is the days that follow I fear the most.

XO Pen


ps: hopefully this post has not been too confusing, this was total free writing.