Have to say i'm worried!

Mom called last week to say that she went to the Dr's on Friday and he sent her for xrays. She's had a tickly cough now for about two months and it won't go away. He said if a smoker has a cough for longer then a month then it's time for an xray. I know she was trying to be calm about it but with losing Dad to lung cancer I knew it had to be in the back of her mind. We kept the conversation light and talked about numerous things. Needless to say it was bugging me, i'm scared for my Mom and am trying to stay positive. I had a meltdown on Saturday, was folding towels and got a whiff of cigar smoke out of the blue - my Dad smoked cigars. I got freaked out and wondered if it was a sign from him and if so is it a good one? I burst into tears and cried. Cried out of fear of the possibility of losing Mom, of her facing a fight against this disease that had taken so many of our family already. Fear of not measuring up and staying strong for her if this battle indeed faces us.

Last night Mom called to see how the first day at the new job went and we chatted about that for a bit. Then she said she hadn't heard from the Dr. but it was only Friday when the xray was taken. I thought that it was time to be honest with her so I said, "Mom, a part of me is really scared and freaked but am staying positive. I'm here for you and can't imagine how you must be feeling but want you to know that it's okay, it's normal and you don't have to be strong for us.' Her voice caught and she said "I'm a little scared too but am trying not to worry to much until I hear from the Dr. I really think it's just allergies but need to play it safe.

Part of me wonders if two posts ago was some kind of premonition. I hope not, i'm not ready to say good bye to my Mom. We really don't know what it is and heck it could be nothing. However, the realist in me, the girl who's lost her Dad to Cancer can't help but be a little scared.

Staying positive and asking that you can all say a little prayer for Mom.