Fingers do the talking

It's been a long time since i've just let my fingers do the talking so this blog may not make sense but i'm just going to start typing. In light of this so called anxiety that's causing some issues it's best to just do this and see what comes of it.

New home - love it, want to make it ours, splash of colour here and there, the smell in the basement bothers me and don't know when we'll get it fixed. Hal puts off helping with small things and it bugs the shit out of me! The wall unit needs to be put in the corner so the living room can be made whole, it's detached and void of the cozy feeling I desire. Pictures, personality but it's cold and uninviting, messy and disorganized. As I type that i realize that's how i'm feeling about my life too!

Negative Self - lazy, boring, overweight, to many wants instead of focusing just on needs, spoiled, self-centered. I need to exercise more and be healthier, it's up to no one but me to be accountable for what goes on in my life.

Positive Self - caring, kind, laughter, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, determined, strong,

Shell - Miss her so much, feels like a world of distance between us, where are the days of just walking across the street and hanging out, hugs, laughter, disagreements and then back to normal. Sisters by chance, friends by choice! I love you Shell and will see you in 5 weeks. The time will fly but we'll make the best of it.

nephews - grown so much, missing out on their youth. From babies to men in the blink of an eye, smiles, giggles, barney is my heerio, matty rats and stinkin boys. Lego, attitude, love, Christmas morning shivers, Papa and Gramma, camping fun

Mom - I love her and need to focus on not judging her but more on acceptance, let go of the anger, disappointment, try not to repeat the negative and work on repeating the good stuff, there was lots of it growing up but find at times that I forget that and wallow in self pity. She is a daughter too! I love you Mom.

Friends - Sunshine, warm, happiness, fun, confidante, sadness, lonely, not enough time, let down by some who I never thought would do that but have forgiven, worry that i've let down friends too and don't realize it.

when I read this it made me sad inside, heavy hearted, lonely, worried about what others would think when they read this, no need to feel sorry or that there is something deeply wrong, just need to work through it and quite often this helps. Even thought it may make no sense now, tomorrow is a new day and will shed a different light on what's come out tonight.