I'm having a really hard time tonight with the loss of my boy and now know that it has been on the back of my mind. I was talking with Laura last night about it and today saw a Boxer romping and playing and thinking 'That should have been Quade'. It was 4 months on the 15th that we had him put to sleep and it feels at times like light years away but then at times like it was yesterday.
What is bothering me is the look in his eyes the day we had him put down and i've not been able to talk to anyone about it until last night with Laura. God he fought the medication that was to sedate him, he had a look in his eyes of "What is going on?" He had that look he got when he was confused about something or a bit scared because he didn't know what it was. All the while reassuring him that it was gonna be okay but fighting back tears. He knew we were upset and that probably had him wondering as well. Maybe i'm personalizing him too much and reading too much into it, that's what we tell ourselves anyways.
He was fighting the drugs that were killing him, he wasn't ready in mind or body for that matter. It was because of pain that we did this terrible thing to him. I look forward to the day I no longer remember seeing that look in his eyes as he fought against what was happening.
What is bothering me is the look in his eyes the day we had him put down and i've not been able to talk to anyone about it until last night with Laura. God he fought the medication that was to sedate him, he had a look in his eyes of "What is going on?" He had that look he got when he was confused about something or a bit scared because he didn't know what it was. All the while reassuring him that it was gonna be okay but fighting back tears. He knew we were upset and that probably had him wondering as well. Maybe i'm personalizing him too much and reading too much into it, that's what we tell ourselves anyways.
He was fighting the drugs that were killing him, he wasn't ready in mind or body for that matter. It was because of pain that we did this terrible thing to him. I look forward to the day I no longer remember seeing that look in his eyes as he fought against what was happening.
Our boy would have been 1 on August 2.
We talk about him, we have pictures of him out but sometimes wish that I could just sweep all those memories away and not deal with this emotional pain. We have lost members of our human family but time has a way of healing the deep hurt and maybe because this is the most recent it seems to hurt the most.
We have also been talking about getting another pup and perhaps that has been a trigger but at the same time feel like we are ready for another little bundle of energy.
Off to cuddle with Cleo and Willow and wait for Sailor man to come home.
We talk about him, we have pictures of him out but sometimes wish that I could just sweep all those memories away and not deal with this emotional pain. We have lost members of our human family but time has a way of healing the deep hurt and maybe because this is the most recent it seems to hurt the most.
We have also been talking about getting another pup and perhaps that has been a trigger but at the same time feel like we are ready for another little bundle of energy.
Off to cuddle with Cleo and Willow and wait for Sailor man to come home.
3 comments:
Hugs Pen!!
I know it will take a long time to somewhat ease the pain. I wish you didn't have to go through it.
I'm hear if you need a shoulder to cry on...cuz I'll cry on yours too...
:)
We all miss him.....Hugs to you. Hope in time it won't hurt as much. I still remember the look in polos eyes....I know what you feel. in time, sweetie in time
Hey Pen, glad you are still blogging!
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