Missing Quade

I'm having a really hard time tonight with the loss of my boy and now know that it has been on the back of my mind. I was talking with Laura last night about it and today saw a Boxer romping and playing and thinking 'That should have been Quade'. It was 4 months on the 15th that we had him put to sleep and it feels at times like light years away but then at times like it was yesterday.

What is bothering me is the look in his eyes the day we had him put down and i've not been able to talk to anyone about it until last night with Laura. God he fought the medication that was to sedate him, he had a look in his eyes of "What is going on?" He had that look he got when he was confused about something or a bit scared because he didn't know what it was. All the while reassuring him that it was gonna be okay but fighting back tears. He knew we were upset and that probably had him wondering as well. Maybe i'm personalizing him too much and reading too much into it, that's what we tell ourselves anyways.

He was fighting the drugs that were killing him, he wasn't ready in mind or body for that matter. It was because of pain that we did this terrible thing to him. I look forward to the day I no longer remember seeing that look in his eyes as he fought against what was happening.

Our boy would have been 1 on August 2.

We talk about him, we have pictures of him out but sometimes wish that I could just sweep all those memories away and not deal with this emotional pain. We have lost members of our human family but time has a way of healing the deep hurt and maybe because this is the most recent it seems to hurt the most.

We have also been talking about getting another pup and perhaps that has been a trigger but at the same time feel like we are ready for another little bundle of energy.

Off to cuddle with Cleo and Willow and wait for Sailor man to come home.

Fight Night Saturday and surprises!

Shout out to Laura!! You are the most amazing, wonderful friend and person. You never cease to amaze me with your kindness, consideration and how you always think of others.

Last night we went to Laura and Adam's for UFC Fight Night along with a group of friends. It was nice that Hal was actually able to come as well and meet Lewis and Rita. Anyway back to the surprise end of things...

We had finished eating, there was a group watching fights and another group of us playing games and some were downstairs playing Guitar Hero, pool, etc. All of the sudden it gets quiet and there are only a few people around. Next thing you know a bunch come out of Laura and Adam's bedroom singing 'Happy Birthday!'. OMG I was so embarrased and I told Laura she was a bugger and an ass (in a nice way okay and it has to do with the ass family, lol). Well they got me, had no freaking idea that she was going to do that. Guess I had walked right by the cake and didn't see it, saw the beautiful bouquet of flowers and they were soooo cheerful in her dining room.

I said "thank you" and stuff but words cannot express how my heart feels Laura. You are a blessing to all of us who have been touched by your kindness and love.

Big hugs and a heartful of love to you dear friend!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Pen Pen

What to blog?

I feel like blogging but can't quite put my finger on what it is that needs to be blogged.....will be back later with whatever is on my mind.

xo Pen

Thinking positive!

I've had this discussion a few times with people about how our own personal outlook really can affect our whole demeanor, outlook and daily attitude.

If you think it's a bad day, it's gonna be a bad day but you can really switch it by changing your outlook. Smile at someone and say 'hello', most times you'll get a smile back. If it's pouring rain outside and you don't want to get wet but want to do something productive then find something to do around the house or pick up a hobby. Sometimes just doing something quiet too gives us time to reflect on all of our blessings.

All to often I'll catch myself hiding out in the house and being very anti-social and think...I really need to be out amongst people. Doesn't necessarily mean hanging out with someone but just going to the mall, taking the dog for a walk or picking up the phone and talking to a friend. Making that connection with the outside world really helps.

Package up the negative, store it away. Think of all the good and positive in your life or some funny things that have happened and it's guaranteed to put a smile on your face, lighten your mood and change the outcome of your day.

Life is what we make it - Smile (they're free too).