It's my blog and i'll type what I want to

It's been a tumultuous couple of weeks and i've put off blogging partly because I didn't know what to say or what people expect me to say.

I didn't want to blog anymore about Quade because i'm thinking people are sick of hearing about him and there are others who aren't comfortable with the discussion of death. Well I have to talk about him, the emptiness and ache that still rip through me/us. Sure I tell people that we're okay, and mostly we are but there are moments when the grief totally blindsides you and you start to cry for no reason. I can't even comprehend what parents go through when they lose a child.

Yes he was a dog but he was our dog, our baby. For all the times I called him Satan or Devil dog, I wish that those moments could be back again, for all the muddy paw prints, the goobers and drools, the puppy accidents that he had when being housebroken, training Hal what to watch for with Quade when he had to do his business, the sleepless nights and the laundry monster...oh how I miss my laundry monster. I know we can't have him back and that we did make the right decision for him.

I don't expect anyone to respond or to even know how. We are okay, we are going through the steps of grief. There are times I'm incredibly angry and wonder 'Why? Why were we chosen for Quade and he for us?' Then the moments of sadness and missing him so much that my throat catches as I fight to hold back the want and need to scream at the top of my lungs about how unfair this was. HE WAS STILL A BABY, HE WAS ONLY 8.5 MONTHS OLD and he/we were robbed of so much.

Our boy was so full of love, this incredible, amazing love for everyone. He thought he was a lap dog and would bowl you over and be surprised to see you laying on the ground, but then he'd try to sit on your knee and give you all kinds of lovin' and look at you with those big, soft brown eyes with a look that melted any sort of 'bad Quade' you were thinking about giving him. When we knew the kids were coming over we had to crate him because he would shake with excitement and seriously could move his crate across the room to get to them. He would settle down after about 10 minutes and then you could let him out and he would lick their hands, faces, toes and sniff them like crazy. He would bring the kids his toys to play with and for Kali to throw for him. They would play catch for as long as Kali would throw the ball.

We have lots of great memories and pictures and this is what we are focusing on to get us through. We will have another pup sometime in the future but for now we need to work through the loss of our Quade.

I want to say "Thank you" to all of you who have been there with us through this whole process, for your understanding, compassion, cards, thoughts and prayers. Each one of them holds a special place in our hearts. Shari and Shell, thank you so much for getting those amazing pictures that we will always treasure. There are no regrets, only a true happiness and appreciation to have such beautiful memories of him and us together. You captured so well what we shared.

Shell, Thank you for coming and being here with Hal and I through what was an incredibly painful time. You got to see first hand what our boy was all about and to be there the day we held him and told him we loved him for the very last time.

Thank You to Caryn, Tracey and everyone at Parkside Vet (including Dr. Elorza who passed shortly before Quade was put to sleep) for going above and beyond our every expectation during Quades short life.